THE FUTILITY OF TRANSACTIONAL RELATIONSHIPS

—MARK PFEIFER

A Transactional Relationship is one in which the interactions between two parties are driven by self-interest.

In other words, I want to develop a relationship with you because I have a personal agenda that benefits me exclusively.

Having said this, we need to be clear about something…

All relationships are transactional to some degree. A good relationship is mutually beneficial. Otherwise, we would not be motivated to invest the necessary and time and energy into create them.

But there is a big difference between a healthy relationship and a Transactional Relationship.

The difference is Moral Self-interest.

WHAT IS MORAL SELF-INTEREST?

Moral Self-interest is when we benefit from a relationship, having first sown into that relationship unselfishly and sacrificially. It is not immoral to experience some benefit after we have contributed to the well-being of the other party…

…so long as it is not our primary motivator.

It’s the classic “win-win” scenario.

To make this happen, we must put ourselves in the shoes of the other person and devise ways to make transactions work in their favor just as much as we make them work in our favor.

I think Moral Self-interest is best exemplified in two basic areas: Parenting and Teams.

Parenting
Nearly everything we do as a parent is for the benefit of our children. While we receive numerous blessings from our kids and grandkids, the motive behind our actions is greatly tilted in their favor.

Teams
Being a teammate also transcends transactional boundaries. Whether it’s a sports team, military team or work crew, people participating in these groups are willing to exchange personal glory for team wins.

Moral Self-interest is measured by the amount of sacrifice a person is willing make for the sake of others. For the parent, it’s how much they sacrifice for their children’s wellbeing and success. For the team member, it’s how willing are they are to “take one for the team.”

Each of us can recount heroic stories where parents worked second jobs to help their kids through college. Or when soldiers sacrificed themselves for the sake of their comrades.

This is the stuff from which legends are made!

But no one sings the praises of the self-aggrandizing teammate who sought personal glory at the expense of the team or a parent who sacrificed the wellbeing of their children for personal satisfaction.

WHY TRANSACTIONAL RELATIONSHIPS ARE DESTRUCTIVE

Transactional Relationship destroy people. When formed beyond the boundaries of Moral Self-interest, they are toxic. Benefits flow in one direction because the relationship was created with person agendas.

This is the Oedipal parent that won’t let their children grow up and leave home or the athlete seeking glory at the expense of the team.

Transactional thinking destroys relationships, disintegrates families, demoralizes teams, disables churches and becomes the ultimate dysfunction.

I think Transactional Relationships are at the root of many reasons why the American Church has lost so much of its credibility.

Many leaders in the church are transactional. We have secret agendas of becoming famous. We harbor underlying fantasies of being a Christian celebrity. We then become transactional with our followers, hoping to gain notoriety. We become transactional with other leaders as we build relationships strategically designed to satisfy our craving for fame and success.

When this becomes the primary motivation for having relationships with people, it becomes impossible to be a true spiritual parent or part of a winning team.

Instead, we join a growing number of manipulators and narcissists, using people to promote our way to the top of the Christian celebrity pyramid. We place our own self-interest at center of our lives construct a world around our idolatrous desires like the ziggurat at Babel. Under the guise of serving the vision, people are subjugated and used as tools to achieve our desires.

FOUR SIGNS OF TRANSACTIONAL RELATIONSHIPS

1. Expectations supersedes responsibilities
   In Transactional Relationships, the benefits are one-sided. We build relationships based entirely upon what people can do for us instead of what we can for them. We are looking for a return on investment without ever considering the responsibility we have to first invest in them.

2. We develop many short-term, shallow relationships
   Transactional Relationships are short lived and shallow. They dissolve when (a) the goals are reached or (b) the possibility of reaching the goal doesn’t materialize. Either way, we move from one relationship to another like a person changing lanes on a highway while leaving a trail of discarded people in our wake.

3. People are dehumanized and demoralized
   People are dehumanized and dehumanized in Transactional environments where their individual worth is solely determined by their performance. This creates an atmosphere of fear, hypocrisy and manipulation that works in the favor of a tyrannical leader.

4. There is an overemphasis on org charts and titles
   Relationships in a transactional setting are primarily defined within an organizational context. This means that true relationships are replaced with chains of commands and titles that suit the personal agenda of the leader rather than helping he personal development of people.

THE SAD TRUTH ABOUT TRANSACTIONAL RELATIONSHIPS

Transactional Relationships make us all hypocrites. We do and say things that look magnanimous and noble, but behind our virtuous words and actions, selfish ambition rules. We become duplicitous and phony. We are like Judas at the table, scheming how we can personally benefit at the expense of others.

It’s disappointing when you uncover a transactional motive in people. You think someone is taking a genuine interest in you personally, only to find out they want to sell you something or use you for their benefit.

Transactional Relationships create a string of discarded and disheartened people. The body count is always rising around a transactional leader.

If a person is useful in helping the leader achieve their goals, they are valuable. But when they no longer can help move the ball down the field or a more talented person comes along, they are exchanged for an upgrade.

You can see this in marriages, sports teams, politics, business…

…and, unfortunately, in churches!

APOSTOLIC LEADERS ARE ESPECIALLY PRONE TO TRANSACTIONAL RELATIONSHIPS

People like me are especially prone to create Transactional Relationships. I can become so focused on executing the vision, that I can treat people like tools to accomplish the task rather than valuing them intrinsically as a person.

I’m also a strategist who enjoys making and executing plans. I am always calculating how to assemble teams and develop the necessary steps to achieve the objective. This sometimes allows me to blindly stumble into creating Transactional Relationships.

I must dial back my obsession with achievement and replace it with a legitimate concern for individual people. I must act in their best interest as a matter of habit, rather than using them for my own agenda.

I find that the long-term benefits Moral Self-interest far outweigh the short term advantages of Transactional Relationships.

This is why Nicki and I have been married almost 40 years, we’ve pastored the same church for 33 years, and have enduring friendships with people since childhood.

WAYS TO OVERCOME TRANSACTIONAL RELATIONSHIPS

1. Be intentionally interested in people
   John Kelly has been an example of this for me. I’ve watched him time and time again take an interest in people and listen to their story. He’ll ask about their hopes and dreams. He will find ways to help them achieve their desires. In the process, he develops a true relationship beyond transactional limits.

2. Think like a parent
   Treat people the same way you would treat your own children. Everything we do as leaders should be done for the benefit of the people we lead.

3. Be a team player
   One of the best ways to avoid Transactional Relationships is to find a place in an organization you don’t lead and become a team player. Focus your efforts on helping achieve team wins. This will help you celebrate the achievements of others and put your desires in proper perspective.

4. Adopt God’s value system
   In Matthew 25, Jesus revealed God’s values. He said,
   “For I was hungry and you gave Me food; I was thirsty and you gave Me drink; I was a stranger and you took Me in; I was naked and you clothed Me; I was sick and you visited Me; I was in prison and you came to Me (Matthew 25:35-36).”

These are the qualities that keep us safe from making Transactional Relationships. These are small favors we do for other people with little or no expectation of reward.

Here’s the proper response of a person who moves beyond the limits of Transactional Relationships:

“Lord, when did we see You hungry and feed You, or thirsty and give You drink? When did we see You a stranger and take You in, or naked and clothe You? Or when did we see You sick, or in prison, and come to You (V-38-39)?”

Let’s value one another intrinsically as God does and move beyond transactional limits so we can be…

Brothers and Sisters.
Family.
The Church.